It is never easy to say goodbye, for whatever reason or even season. Letting go is such a realistic part of life, yet at those times the feeling is so disheartening and unnatural. Last Saturday I had to say goodbye to someone who is very dear to my heart, my grandfather, Burton Daimwood. I have a friend that reminds me often to not have earthly expectations because people will always let you down. But I can honestly say that I do not think my Papa ever let me down.....or ever let anyone down. He was a man of great faith, compassion, courage, and integrity. Last Saturday I watched as he took his last breath and I found my heart, over taken by grief, thinking "what is he seeing, is he with the Lord now, how does feel"? The unknown. I believe and have believed all my life in our creator, our father, that this world is not our home. But to witness someone passing brought on a new level of questions, doubts, sadness. Where was that peace that transends all understanding? Then as I was driving home I was reminded that we don't know, we're not supposed to, we are only asked to believe. And as I thought of Papa's last breath, I thought of Jesus'. What the people must have been thinking.....questions, doubts, sadness. If that was the end, we would never know that there truly was more. But he returned! He was perfect, and he showed us that there was more. And there in that moment, my peace came. I hear music in my head at all times. I either never embraced the musical side of me or maybe I am crazy. But especially since Caleb has been born, those late night feedings brought really interesting songs. Most were choruses of christian songs reminding me that the Lord was with me during my exhausted breakdowns. Sometimes it was random commercial songs that literally told me that I was going crazy not having any sleep. But Saturday a song played in my head all day long. "You are God alone, from before time began, you were on your throne, you are God alone. And right now, in the good times and bad, you are on your throne, you are God alone." I am so thankful that he is God alone! I am thankful that seeing Papa in that state did not mean that was the end of him. And while the world has suffered a true loss, Heaven has gained a great son. I can't wait to see him again. Just knowing he is on the other side waiting, makes that "disheartening, unnatural" part of death a little more bearable.
I write all this to share my Caleb "Burton"! Although he will never know his Papa Burton, I pray that I can raise him with the same spirit and passion for life that he had. At two months old he already displays a unique calmness that my sweet Baker has yet to have =)! Caleb weighed in at a whopping 13 lbs at his checkup and is doing fabulous! I am very thankful Papa was able to be a part of his life, however long that it was.
I read an article yesterday titled "Flawed and Fabulous Moms." Reading it was like a breath of fresh air......it gave me the freedom to be human and the encouragement that all moms, although flawed, are still fabulous in their own way. A friend once told me that she felt like when you become a new mom they shoot you with some guilt serum before you leave the hospital. I couldn't relate more. Today's plate of guilt would include feeding Baker Sonic for lunch, snapping at him for "screaming" in the car, spanking him for hitting his brother, taking a long overdue phone call and letting him watch tv in his high chair....and it is only nap time. It saddens me when my list of "guilts" sometimes outweighs the praises. But then I remember....I am human, I am flawed.....and I remind myself that I have hugged him, I have kissed him, danced with him, laughed, practiced our letters and colors, fed him, and kept him safe and clean. And I remember that that is why God gave me the gift of my children....to love them in the best way I know how and still be fabulous while doing so!
